I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
