I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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