i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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