i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
