That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
