i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
