I wanna passion pit in your ass
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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