Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
