I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
