Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
