Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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