Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
