All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
