I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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