you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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