I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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