4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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