Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
