Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
