I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
