I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
