I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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