Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
