Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
