At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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