i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
