Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
