Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
