i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
