By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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