She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
