I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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