Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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