i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
