Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
