I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
