Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
