you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
