I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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