I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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