I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
