Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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