I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
