You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
