there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have aggressive nipples.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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