I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
