but the lizard people decide everything anyway
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
