This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
