i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
