life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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