I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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