i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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