the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
