Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Oh god it's open bar.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
