i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
