Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
