If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
